Every parent fears they’ll f*ck up their kid. But what if there’s a hack, one small thing you can control? Food. Maybe if you get their eating right, you’ll set up them up to succeed.

Spoiler: there are no hacks. Sorry. And writer Carvell Wallace knows this very well. As one of the hosts of the Slate podcast, Mom And Dad Are Fighting, he digs into his trove of mistakes–and momentary victories–raising teens to help other people with tiny humans feel slightly less alone.

Carvell Wallace is a writer, podcaster, and father. He’s also a proud Californian – with strong opinions about his state’s most famous burger chain. Hot take: "In & Out Burger is fine but overrated." Damn. Gauntlet thrown. (Thank you, Carvell Wallace, for confirming what the rest of us already knew).

A parent once wrote in to Carvell Wallace’s parenting advice column and basically said, “My kids found out there’s no tooth fairy. So we stopped giving them money when they lose teeth. Is that ok?”

Carvell’s response?

With all due respect, what is wrong with you? Imagine if your teeth were falling out of your head. It’s painful and uncomfortable and unsettling. You walk around for days feeling like a rotting corpse while the people around you blithely eat apples and pizza without fear.

The one consolation is that a magical creature takes pity on you and leaves a single crumpled bill under your pillow. Then you find out that there is no magical creature at all. In reality, it is your parents who have loved you and pitied you so. And their response to your finding out is … to withhold the money??!! What has your child done to deserve this indignity?

Pay the child. Do so at once. Include back pay as well as a 10 percent vig for your blatant disrespect.

That’s classic Carvell.

This week, Carvell and Dan talk food and parenting insecurities. How do you know when that fight with your kids is about them or about you? Is “adventurous eating” is really something we should want for our kids? And how can you connect kids to their heritage through food?

Interstitial music in this episode by Black Label Music:

- "Happy Jackson" by Ken Brahmstedt

- "Sidewalk Chalk" by Hayley Briasco

- "Soul Good" by Lance Conrad

- "Get Your Shoes On Instrumental" by Will Van de Crommert

Photos: Courtesy of Carvell Wallace (photo credit - Tai Power Seeff).