Every other Friday, we reach into our deep freezer and reheat an episode to serve up to you. We're calling these our Reheats. If you have a show you want reheated, send us an email or voice memo at hello@sporkful.com, and include your name, your location, which episode, and why.
The food-obsessed comic discusses eating with his five children, navigating birthday parties and buffets, his dad's steaks, and when it's OK to lie to your kids. Plus he explains why he's the Jean-Claude Van Damme of eating on television.
This episode originally aired on July 4, 2016, and July 20, 2015. It was produced by Dan Pashman and Anne Saini, with editing help from Shoshana Gold. Special thanks to Paula Szuchman.
The Sporkful team now includes Dan Pashman, Emma Morgenstern, Andres O'Hara, Nora Ritchie, and Jared O'Connell. Publishing by Shantel Holder and transcription by Emily Nguyen.
Interstitial music in this episode by Black Label Music:
- "Horn In The City" by Kenneth J. Brahmstedt
Photo courtesy of The Jim Gaffigan Show.
View Transcript
Dan Pashman: Hey! It's Dan. Before we get into this week’s Reheat is my conversation with comedian Jim Gaffigan, we have a bunch of upcoming exciting events I want to mention real quick. First off, the west swing of Sporkful Live: Anything's Pastable, my book tour of live podcast tapings, is starting in just a couple of days. This Sunday, April 28th, I'll be in San Francisco, on the 30th, in Seattle — although the Seattle show is sold out — and then Thursday, May 2nd, in Los Angeles. All these shows have tons of cool guests and special appearances and people I'll be in conversation with, and some of them will even have free food samples! All that info is at sporkful.com/events. And then new book events have just been added! I'm teaming up with the culinary whiz kids at Cafe Mars in Brooklyn. They call themselves and unusual Italian restaurant. They love to weird stuff with Italian food. They're gonna take Anything's Pastable, my cookbook, and let it inspire a whole menu of dishes. If you go to our events page, you can get, not only a link to the tickets but also a link to the full menu to see what will be served. This is one night only at Cafe Mars, Thursday May 9th in Brooklyn. And then the following Thursday, May 16th, I'm doing a virtual cooking class with Milk Street online cooking school, so everyone invited! For details on all of our live shows and various events, including coupon codes for that virtual event, go to sporkful.com/events.
Dan Pashman: All right, this week's Reheat is my conversation with comedian Jim Gaffigan. Now we first aired this episode way back in 2015 — Jim was already a big deal back then, but he has continued to be one of America's the top comics. A few months back, The New York Times named his 2023 special, Dark Pale, the best of the year. They wrote, “Each year he gets a little better, figuring out new challenges that fit his every man aesthetic.” So check out this conversation with him, and also, if you have an episode you’d like us to reheat, send me a message at hello@sporkful.com. Thanks and enjoy and onto our episode with Jim Gaffigan.
Dan Pashman: Google comic Jim Gaffigan, Hot Pockets comes up. If you google Hot Pockets, and Jim Gaffigan comes up. He’s sort of famous for his Hot Pockets routine.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
CLIP (JIM GAFFIGAN): Uh, tonight's special, we have a seabass, which is broiled, and we have a Hot Pocket, which is cooked in a dirty microwave. And that comes with a side of Pepto. Is your Hot Pocket cold in the middle? It's frozen, but it can be served boiling lava hot. Will it burn my mouth? It'll destroy your mouth. Everything will taste like rubber for a month.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
CLIP (JIM GAFFIGAN): I'll have the Hot Pocket. [SINGS] Hot Pocket ...
Dan Pashman: It’s a classic bit. But he does so much more great stuff on food. He even wrote a book called Food: A Love Story. And when Jim eats, he’s all about pleasure. He doesn’t really go for kale.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUSE]
CLIP (JIM GAFFIGAN): That stuff tastes like bug spray.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
CLIP (JIM GAFFIGAN): I was looking at can of bug spray that said, "Made with real kale." It's inedible. All you have to do is freeze dry it, cover it in cayenne pepper, put it in the shake, and bury it in the ground. Kale is soo good for you. If they find out kale cures cancer, and I would still be like, "I'm just gonna do the chemo, all right?" I tried the kale.
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Dan Pashman: Today on The Sporkful I sit down with comic Jim Gaffigan, it'll be a meeting of food-obsessed minds. We’ll discuss what he eats before going on stage, his buffet strategy, and dinner with his five kids. Turns out, it involves a lot of lying to them. Stick around.
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Dan Pashman: From WNYC Studios, this is The Sporkful, it’s not for foodies, it’s for eaters. I’m Dan Pashman. Each week on our show we obsess about food to learn more about people. When Jim Gaffigan came in to chat, well, I had a cold, so you’ll hear that. But more importantly, he got comfortable pretty quick.
Jim Gaffigan: Hey, thanks for having me.
Dan Pashman: Thanks for coming in.
Jim Gaffigan: I feel like I'm home.
Dan Pashman: That's right.
Jim Gaffigan: Right?
Dan Pashman: And this is a safe place.
Jim Gaffigan: This a safe place for me, right?
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS] Yeah, absolutely.
Jim Gaffigan: I'm not a weirdo, who's overly obsessed.
Dan Pashman: Right.
Jim Gaffigan: I'm just — I'm normal folk here, right?
Dan Pashman: That's exactly right.
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Dan Pashman: Food's a big part of Jim’s TV show, The Jim Gaffigan Show, which just started it's second season. Another big part of the show? Jim's kids. Like I said, he’s got five of them. They now range in age from three to twelve. And he talks about them a lot in his standup.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
CLIP (JIM GAFFIGAN): Strangers, for some reason, think I'm unaware that it's a lot of kids. Five kids? That's a lot of kids. Oh, you think so?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
CLIP (JIM GAFFIGAN): Thanks for the heads up. Do you mind if I stab you in the head? The best is when I'm alone with my five kids and inevitably struggling and some stranger will come up to me and go, "Looks like you got your hands full." Why would you say that? [LAUGHS] It's like going up to someone in a wheelchair, "Looks like you don't do a lot of dancing." It looks like you got your hands full. I could still punch you.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
CLIP (JIM GAFFIGAN): But it is a lot of kids, you know?
Dan Pashman: Like my kids love lox. They love smoked salmon.
Jim Gaffigan: Oh really?
Dan Pashman: Yeah, and that's — like, good lox is expensive.
Jim Gaffigan: Yeah.
Dan Pashman: I guess — and they each get a lot of lox and they leave the table and then I make daddy's bagel with lox, and I sit down and I'm about to take bite into my big bagel with cream cheese and lox ...
Jim Gaffigan: Yes.
Dan Pashman: And one of them comes wondering back into the kitchen and they're like, "Daddy, what are you eating?"
Jim Gaffigan: Oh yeah, the deception. The lines you tell your children.
Dan Pashman: [SIGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: I've told — have you ever told your children something's spicy, when it's not spicy?
Dan Pashman: Yeah. [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: You're like, "You wouldn't like this. It's spicy."
Dan Pashman: Right.
Jim Gaffigan: I'm adult lying to a 3-year-old.
[LAUGHING]
Dan Pashman: But like do you ever get angry? Sometimes I'm like, "No! You had your lox! This is daddy's lox!", like then I feel bad like I'm being selfish and I should give it to them.
Jim Gaffigan: Yeah, I don't — there's such a swarm mentality ...
Dan Pashman: Right. [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: That I don't really fight it. So like if I get a burger and fries from the restaurant downstairs, I know, if any kid's awake, they're gonna eat all the fries. And so I — you know, I kind of sit there and I go, you know, this is an oppurtunity for me to generous.
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: But I have lied.
Dan Pashman: Right.
Jim Gaffigan: I've most definitely lied. I've eaten something, you know, outside of my apartment, knowing that I can't bring it in.
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: You know what I mean?
Dan Pashman: Totally!
Jim Gaffigan: I'm eaten a bagel outside, so I didn't have to share it.
Dan Pashman: Do you ever hi — eat in hiding? Like have you ever eaten something, like in the bathroom because you don't want your kids to see. You don't have to share with them?
Jim Gaffigan: Oh yeah! Oh yeah!
Dan Pashman: Yeah.
Jim Gaffigan: No, we wait until they're in bed before we — you know, cause there's like these Thai spring dumplings that it's like they think they're — it's kids food. And it's like, no, I'll wait until they're in bed before I bring them out.
Dan Pashman: You got five kids.
Jim Gaffigan: Yes.
Dan Pashman: Your wife Jeannie works with you ...
Jim Gaffigan: Yes.
Dan Pashman: And largely raises your kids.
Jim Gaffigan: Yes.
Dan Pashman: Talk to me, describe dinner, family dinner, at the Gaffigan house.
Jim Gaffigan: You know, it's a constant battle to stop them from chewing with their mouth open or using their hands or, you know, like a two-year-old, you're lucky if they make it — the food into their mouth.
Dan Pashman: Right.
Jim Gaffigan: So it's pretty chaotic. Occasionally, we will have guest that will kind of just watch in amazement.
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: Because if you can just have a kid sitting at a — sitting upright through a meal, that's amazing. And there's just different levels of improper consumption occuring.
Dan Pashman: Right. So how much time in a given meal are all seven of you sitting at the table and eating simultaneously? Like, how many seconds?
Jim Gaffigan: I would say roughly 30 seconds.
Dan Pashman: Okay. [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: Right? There's always somebody that wants to leave of somebody — we're waiting for someone to get to the table ...
Dan Pashman: Right.
Jim Gaffigan: Or ...
Dan Pashman: Someone needs more water ....
Jim Gaffigan: Yeah.
Dan Pashman: Or more juice or whatever.
Jim Gaffigan: Or there' been a spill, right?
Dan Pashman: Right.
Jim Gaffigan: You know there's — you know, the three and four-year-old, that's when there's just always a spill. Like they're knocking over their cup or other people's cups. You know? [LAUGHS]
Dan Pashman: That's the issue. We have — I have a two-year-old and a four and a half-year-old ...
Jim Gaffigan: Yes.
Dan Pashman: And my wife and I can't have beverages at the table cause the two-year-old just wants two grab our glass and drink from it.
Jim Gaffigan: Yeah.
Dan Pashman: Which means that she then — not only is she likely to spill it everywhere and drop the glass, which is actually a glass on the ground ...
Jim Gaffigan: Yes.
Dan Pashman: But then she's gonna get her backwash all in our water.
Jim Gaffigan: Oh yeah, definitely. There's also the issue of a knife.
Dan Pashman: Right!
Jim Gaffigan: So there's the task of — because there's a certain age where you want it and instruct them on how to cut their own food. But around that same period, you're giving essentially a sociopath a knife.
Dan Pashman: Right. [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: Like someone that doesn't you shouldn't jab a sibling with a knife. And it could be a very dull knife, but it's still a knife.
Dan Pashman: Right. [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: Also, the pizza cutter, that you see in a pizzeria? Very dangerous. Have you ever cut your finger on one of those
Dan Pashman: Yeah!
Jim Gaffigan: And it's insane, right?
Dan Pashman: Yeah.
Jim Gaffigan: And pizza, of course, is the national food of children, right? Wasn't pizza — it's — it eventually gets ruined for parents. Like it used to ...
Dan Pashman: Has that happened to you?
Jim Gaffigan: Absolutely. Pizza was this — you know, I have many views on pizza. I mean, first of all, I love Chicago deep dish. But pizza, in general, used to be a celebratory thing. It used to be something you'd eat in college or something you'd have fun late at night. And kids, you know, it's such an important part a kid's birthday party, because it is the food that every kid will eat and they can eat it with their hands, that you have it way too often.
Dan Pashman: You know one thing I discovered? The one benefit of being at the kids parties and cutting up so many slices of pizza in to those tiny, like, one centimeter squared little cube — you do it for a two-year-old?
Jim Gaffigan: Yes.
Dan Pashman: Is that those little cubes of pizza are a great pizza topping.
Jim Gaffigan: Oh yeah. No, that's — I've seen that on Twitter.
Dan Pashman: You can sprinkle them on top of a slice of pizza ...
Jim Gaffigan: [LAUGHS] That's ...
Dan Pashman: And it adds texture.
Jim Gaffigan: It addds texture, but there's also — then it's almost like a stale piece of pizza.
Dan Pashman: Is Jeannie, your wife, worried about your eating habits influencing your kids?
Jim Gaffigan: Absolutely.
[LAUGHING]
Jim Gaffigan: Absolutely, and she should.
Dan Pashman: Do you ever like eat an unhealthy food off of their plates so they eat less of it?
Jim Gaffigan: No, but I've pretended to enjoy healthy eating in front of my kids many times.
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHING]
Jim Gaffigan: But you know, having kids has made me a healthier eater. Like I enjoy broccoli now or, you know, edamame. Like I give myself credit for eating edamame.
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: I'm like, "Look at me! Mr. Healthy eating a edamame."
Dan Pashman: You're so virtuous.
Jim Gaffigan: But so yeah, no. I mean, it's a very positive influence. But then again, if I had — if I didn't have five kids, I might be — I'd have more free time to maybe exercise. I used to be thin. I'm like in Eating Gilbert Grape, like that mom, that was like, "I didn't always look like that." That's how I feel.
[LAUGHING]
Jim Gaffigan: And that's, you know, I didn't always eat like that.
Dan Pashman: I, uh ...
Jim Gaffigan: I blame my children.
Dan Pashman: Right.
Jim Gaffigan: I blame the light of my life.
[LAUGHING]
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Dan Pashman: Coming up, much more with Jim Gaffigan. He’ll explain why he’s the Jean-Claude Van Damme of eating on television. Stick around.
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+++BREAK+++
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Dan Pashman: Welcome back to another Sporkful Reheat, I'm Dan Pashman. Hey, check out my Instagram when you get a chance. I share what I'm up to, what I'm eating, all of my hot takes that don't always make the cut here on The Sporkful, although I don't know why anybody would want to cut out my rants about the best way to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but the point is that stuff is on my Instagram. Also, sometimes I'm, like, debating what should we do for this episode and I'll put up a poll, so it give you a chance to actually have input into the show. So you can do it right now while you're listening. Follow me on Instagram, @TheSporkful. Again, that's @TheSporkful. Thanks! All right, back to this week's Reheat.
Jim Gaffigan: Growing up, my dad would, you know, he grew up in depression era and he was like, "Steak, we're having steak," like it was like Abe Lincoln's coming over for dinner.
Dan Pashman: Right. [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: And but steak, I get it. It's an old guy thing, where I'm like, now I get it. Like I want to sit in a dark room and eat meat and have a salad covered in blue cheese. I don't know what happened. It's part of the evolution of the man — the American male, I think?
Dan Pashman: What — tell me — I know you you write about your dad's steaks in your book.
Jim Gaffigan: Yeah.
Dan Pashman: Tell me more about your dad's steaks?
Jim Gaffigan: Steak was a very important thing and my dad would burn the steaks. He would like steaks and he would back on the back porch in Indiana in the dark, drinking scotch, and there would be ashes all over the steak.
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: Like I remember thinking, "Well there's usually ashes — flavor of ashes in most steak that I eat." And so we would eat steak and then — but you know, so that was my dad's association with steak. It was a very — it was associated with him. He would eat steak every — like after my mother died, I would go back and visit him and he would be eating steak every night.
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: Every night! And he would present it like he's never had it before. He's like, "You want a steak?", I'm like, "We had it last night."
Dan Pashman: Right. [LAUGHS] How do you like your steak now?
Jim Gaffigan: I like it medium-rare.
Dan Pashman: Okay, so you don't like — you don't live the well done, that's good.
Jim Gaffigan: No.
Dan Pashman: Medium rare is better.
Jim Gaffigan: I don't. Yeah.
Dan Pashman: Yeah.
Jim Gaffigan: And you know, it's — look, I'm very white trash.
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: So its like — but it is weird when people are like, "I like it well done." You're like, "Well, what's the point?"
Dan Pashman: Right.
Jim Gaffigan: But I — you know, I like fast food burgers, so I'm not that high end.
Dan Pashman: But those are juicy at least?
Jim Gaffigan: Yeah, and they're covered with delicious chemicals.
Dan Pashman: Right, exactly.
Jim Gaffigan: Right?
Dan Pashman: Like it's something awful.
Jim Gaffigan: I prefer the Wendy's chemicals to the Burger King chemicals.
Dan Pashman: Well, that's good. It's nice that you have such a refined palette that you can identify the difference. [LAUGHS] You wrote a book called, Dad is Fat.
Jim Gaffigan: Yes.
Dan Pashman: In Food: A Love Story, you cite your weight as evidence that you have the expertise needed to write a book about food.
Jim Gaffigan: This is true.
Dan Pashman: I'm curious, like it's become like a part of your persona, a part of your act ...
Jim Gaffigan: Yes.
Dan Pashman: Do you almost like feel obligated to maintain a certain weight? Like, is eating like training for you? Like if you suddenly decided, for whatever reason, you were gonna lose 25 pounds, like would you feel like you were alienating your fans in some way?
Jim Gaffigan: Being dishonest? Well, you know, the amazing thing is that like, when I wrote that, Dad is Fat, I wasn't that fat. Like the joke was that my kid was saying I was fat, and I really wasn't. Now, I am fat.
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: And by the way, I used — I've always talked about food in this obsessive way, except for the comments from peers, and people that have gone to my show, used to be, "Wow, you talk about food like an obese person." And now people just say, "Wow, you talk about food."
Dan Pashman: Right. [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: So it's changed a little bit. But there is — I mean, there are plenty of people after shows where they've expressed a little disappointment that I'm not heavier.
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: And you know, I feel like I'm letting them down.
Dan Pashman: What do you eat before you go on stage.
Jim Gaffigan: This is a great question. Well, it's an important thing. I'm always eating, right? I try to always eat. It's either that or feel emotions.
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: So I — but the problem is I'm a low energy Mid Westerner, and so I'm — you know, when you get to a theater and you're getting ready to do a show, I will usually have, like, a ham sandwich. I want cheese, but I can't cause, I don't want the dairy to kind of — I don't get all mucous-y or whatever. I hope everyone's eating while they're listening to this.
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: But so I try and keep it relatively light, cause I am a low energy guy. I mean, I drink coffee and Red Bull before a show, like all these things you're not supposed to do, but any artificial form of energy — I'm not doing amphetamines or anything like that.
Dan Pashman: Right.
Jim Gaffigan: But it's necessary. So I try and keep it very light before the show. Afterwards, I — you know, I feel like — you know, I've worked for an hour ...
[LAUGHING]
Jim Gaffigan: I feel like I deserve a steak.
Dan Pashman: Your show just debuted on TV Land. It's called The Jim Gaffigan Show.
Jim Gaffigan: Yes.
Dan Pashman: I've watched several episodes. I love it.
Jim Gaffigan: It's a masterpiece.
Dan Pashman: What was it it like, sort of like, playing yourself? I mean, are you — I assume you're playing like a quasi true to life ...
Jim Gaffigan: Yeah.
Dan Pashman: How? Tell me about that process?
Jim Gaffigan: Well, it's kind of — you know, my standup is kind of an exploration of the id, or like, you know, what we kind of want. We all want to sit in bed and eat bacon all day — is kind of one of my beliefs. But so I think if my standup character is maybe, you know, 20 IQ points dumber than me ...
Dan Pashman: Right. [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: Then the TV Jim is another 20, I think.
Dan Pashman: So this is dumber than stand up.
Jim Gaffigan: I think dumber.
Dan Pashman: Okay.
Jim Gaffigan: But it done for comic effect.
Dan Pashman: Right.
Jim Gaffigan: But it's — you know, I do love the fact that food something that I think we — my obsession with food is executed very well. There's a couple episodes where we go through and we sit there and we go, "All, right, that's the red velvet one. That's the Chicago deep dish one ..."
Dan Pashman: Totally. Totally.
Jim Gaffigan: That's the everything bagel episode.
Dan Pashman: Yup.
Jim Gaffigan: And they're usually like runners. The whole episode is not about an everything bagel, but's a very important element.
Dan Pashman: It's through line.
Jim Gaffigan: It's a very important element.
Dan Pashman: And I want to ask — so you're often eating in the show ...
Jim Gaffigan: Yes.
Dan Pashman: And you know, when you shoot a TV show, you often have to do multiple takes.
Jim Gaffigan: Yes.
Dan Pashman: Like how many — like one episode, I think it was the fudgsicle episode ...
Jim Gaffigan: Yes.
Dan Pashman: How many fudgsicles did you actually have to eat to shoot that episode.
Jim Gaffigan: I probably ate, maybe, 50?
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: But the whole thing is, like, look, I do my own stunts.
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: There's a spit bucket there, but I feel like the spit bucket is for amateurs.
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS] You're like the Tom Cruise of eating on television.
Jim Gaffigan: Absolutely, or Jean-Claude Van Damme.
[LAUGHING]
CLIP (JIM GAFFIGAN): Cause that's what shellfish are, they're just creepy, crawly, giant insects on the bottom of the ocean. You know fish are swimming around like, "we gotta get an exterminator up in this place." They're bugs! They have a shell like a bug. They have spindly legs and crawl around like a bug. They have an antenna like an monster.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
CLIP (JIM GAFFIGAN): They're probably monsters. Like if you went home and you saw a chicken in your house, you'd like, "What the hell's a chicken doing in my house?" But if you saw a lobster, you'd be like, "We're moving."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
CLIP (JIM GAFFIGAN): Because there's not a nickel's worth of difference between a lobster and a giant scorpion. Now, I understand everyone loves lobster. I looovee lobster. Hey, I like butter too, okay? How can I eat three sticks of butter? Well, I found this giant sea scorpion. Lobster tail? Is that the area near the butt? Mmm, mmm. [SMACKING LIPS] How about those restaurants where you ahv to pick out your own lobster? You're like, "I guess, I'll that one that's really struggling with the rubber bands."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Dan Pashman: On Facebook, Sporkful listener, Anne-Marie, asks: Jim, what do you do when you get full but you want to keep eating?
Jim Gaffigan: It's a great question.
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: This is something I deal with a lot.
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: First of all, I haven't been hungry in close to 35 years. And hunger is not what determines consumption — flavor does. Forget about it! This is America — or Canada. And it's not about being hungry. And I would also say that some of it is — it's mind over matter. You can't worry about how your stomach feels. If you're eating Chicago deep dish, which I think is a classic gluttonous example, no one has ever needed to eat more than one piece of Chicago dee dish.
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: But it takes roughly three days to wait them to make it.
Dan Pashman: Right.
Jim Gaffigan: So got to eat two pieces. So you're gonna have to tough through the second piece. And if you're a real man or woman, I'd eat that third piece.
Dan Pashman: I always get to two and I say to myself, "That was enough, I'm definitely full. [Jim Gaffigan: Mm-hmm.] I don't need anymore, but maybe I'll just take one bite of this third slice.
Jim Gaffigan: Yup.
Dan Pashman: And then I eat the whole third slice.
Jim Gaffigan: It's unbelievable.
Dan Pashman: And that's all she wrote.
Jim Gaffigan: I'm going tour. I'm on a 30 city tour. And I look at the map and I only see what I'm gonna eat in those places. I'm spending two day in Chicago, and I've already mapped out — I mean, you know, like there's the deep dish pizza. Then there's Italian beef ...
Dan Pashman: Yeah.
Jim Gaffigan: Then there's a hot dog or two.
Dan Pashman: Oof.
Jim Gaffigan: And so Chicago it's — I gotta get prepared for it.
Dan Pashman: Buffet strategy?
Jim Gaffigan: Yeah. Oh yeah.
Dan Pashman: This is a topic you discuss in your book.
Jim Gaffigan: Yeah.
Dan Pashman: And I know — it's funny, you talk about the phrase, "all you can eat". I studied abroad in London for a while and it always struck me that there, they say — they don't say, "all you can eat", they say, "eat as much as you'd like".
Jim Gaffigan: Ohh, it's a good point.
Dan Pashman: Which is an interesting difference.
Jim Gaffigan: Right, cause I believe "all you can eat", it really is "all you should eat", like there should be, like, a bouncer there saying, "All right, you've had enough."
Dan Pashman: Right. [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: And there's a strange pressure when you get there, there's always, with the buffet, there's a strange kind of like — well, there's a challenge, right?
Dan Pashman: Oh yeah.
Jim Gaffigan: You know, you initially go in there and you think, "Oh, these guys are gonna lose their shirt.", and then after about 10 minutes you're like, "These people are trying to hurt people."
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: Right? They need to be stopped.
Dan Pashman: But they also — I mean, they're — I've sort of imagined a mythical figure that represents the people who run buffets. I call him, "The Buffet Master".
Jim Gaffigan: Oh, interesting.
Dan Pashman: The Buffet Master is shrouded in mystery.
Jim Gaffigan: Right.
Dan Pashman: He usually watching the buffet from a windowless room [Jim Gaffigan: Right.] through closed circuit TV and he monitors the stations.
Jim Gaffigan: Similar to a casino. Right?
Dan Pashman: That's right! That's right! But in my imagination, he looks like Claw from Inspector Gadget. You know?
Jim Gaffigan: Hm.
Dan Pashman: Stroking the cat and all?
Jim Gaffigan: Yes.
Dan Pashman: And The Buffet Master rigs the buffet, not unlike a casino rigs ...
Jim Gaffigan: Cause I — you know, cause I had the premise that it works just like a casino.
Dan Pashman: That's right.
Jim Gaffigan: The house always wins.
Dan Pashman: Well, they — unless they're really — like if you understood the right ...
Jim Gaffigan: ... The right strategy.
Dan Pashman: If you have the buffet equivalent of, like, counting cards ...
Jim Gaffigan: Yes. It seems like a great idea, but do you want to get sushi at a place that's also offering doughnuts?
Dan Pashman: Right. [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: Right? [LAUGHS] There's something — uh, yeah, they have Italian options and biscuits and gravy.
Dan Pashman: Right.
Jim Gaffigan: I don't know. Like biscuits and gravy — I don't — you know, I'll always go biscuits and gravy — again, a stomach killer, right? Not good for the buffet.
Dan Pashman: Yeah.
Jim Gaffigan: You do biscuits and gravy, but it's always offered at a buffet.
Dan Pashman: Right.
Jim Gaffigan: And who doesn't love biscuits and gravy? Satan.
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: Satan doesn't love biscuits. But so, like, the strategy for a buffet is — it's an interesting strategy, right?
Dan Pashman: So walk me through your approach. Because you want to get your moneys worth, you also want to eat the foods that you want to eat ...
Jim Gaffigan: You could.
Dan Pashman: I mean, you're not just gonna go in there and eat, like, ten pounds of caviar and say you got your moneys worth.
Jim Gaffigan: Right.
Dan Pashman: So how do you do it?
Jim Gaffigan: What is my tactic? I will usually ... I will usually try and steer towards the meats, right? There's only so much bacon you can eat, but I find that you can eat like 10 or 12 dollars worth bacon.
Dan Pashman: Right. [LAUGHS]
Jim Gaffigan: That'll make a bid dent.
Dan Pashman: Right, right.
Jim Gaffigan: But, and then, you gotta get that omlet station guy working.
Dan Pashman: Yeah.
Jim Gaffigan: So I usually get over easy fried eggs. Again, what do they cost? 20 cents?
Dan Pashman: Right.
[LAUGHING]
Jim Gaffigan: But I made them work for it!
Dan Pashman: Right, right. Factor in the labor.
Jim Gaffigan: That labor ... And I'll always go sausage patties, you know, bacon — you know, occasionally I'll do a blintz something, something a little more convoluded. You know, but I'm usual — I'm grazing when I go to a buffet. You'll even find me — I present this like it's interesting — you'll even find me at the Mexican station!
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS] How exotic.
Jim Gaffigan: What do you do?
Dan Pashman: Well, I — first tip, which my mother taught me when I was very young, and I hope you'll pass this on to your children.
Jim Gaffigan: There's so many gifts from your mother.
Dan Pashman: Exactly, yeah.
Jim Gaffigan: Yes.
Dan Pashman: Survey the entire buffet before you take in the ...
Jim Gaffigan: Yes. Oh yeah. It's just like taking an exam. Look at the front to the beginning.
Dan Pashman: Right.
Jim Gaffigan: Right.
Dan Pashman: The whole thing. Then you got to pick your spots. I like to go through one pass through and take small amounts of all the things I want to try. That also reduces waste.
Jim Gaffigan: Yes. It's like you care about the environment.
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS] Right.
Jim Gaffigan: You're buffet footprint.
Dan Pashman: That's right.
Jim Gaffigan: As they call it. Yes.
[LAUGHING]
Dan Pashman: Yeah. And so I try a little but of everything [Jim Gaffigan: Yes.] and I pick from that array, I'll pick the highlights. Then my second trip, I'm going in the for the kill and I'm getting large quantities of the things that I like the most.
Jim Gaffigan: And what would that be?
Dan Pashman: Well, it depends on the buffet but — you know, I'm gonna focus on the meats ...
Jim Gaffigan: Meats, right.
Dan Pashman: Hot meats, fish — high value items. You know some people say, like, "Oh, I wouldn't get fish at the buffet, cause it's been sitting out," like if you're worried about the quality of the food at the buffet ...
Jim Gaffigan: You shouldn't be at the buffet.
Dan Pashman: Right, exactly.
Jim Gaffigan: Yeah.
Dan Pashman: Like when people are like, "Oh I like to start with a salad at an 'all you can eat' buffet, so I don't over eat," if you don't want to over eat, you shouldn't be at the buffet.
Jim Gaffigan: You've already lost money.
Dan Pashman: Right, right. Like what are you doing?
Jim Gaffigan: The worst is when you take a kid to the buffet, and they get a bowl of cereal.
Dan Pashman: [LAUGHS] Right, right.
Jim Gaffigan: You're like how dare you? I — you know, I also — my game is thrown off, because I'm usually dealing with numerous kids.
Dan Pashman: Right.
Jim Gaffigan: I'm trying to get — we just get plates of food and they don''t eat any of it except for the cereal.
[LAUGHING]
MUSIC
Dan Pashman: That’s comic Jim Gaffigan, The Jim Gaffigan Show airs on TV Land Sunday nights at 10/9 central. Season two just premiered. You can also check out season one on demand and it's on iTunes and Amazon as well. Jim’s also performing standup all across America this summer. Find his tour dates at JimGaffigan.com.
Dan Pashman: Also, please remember to come hang out with me and pig out with me at the Laid Back Festival at the Nikon Theater at Jones beach. There's gonna be a ton of amazing music, and a ton of amazing food — and also, I'll be there, so let's hang out. To get your tickets, go TicketMaster.com and search "Laid Back Festival".
